Seller, Beware

My husband and I find ourselves having frequent conversations about real estate these days, being that we are in the market for a new house. We have been looking for several months now, so we have seen quite a few houses firsthand, and even more on the web, thanks to daily updates of new or reduced-price listings.

A typical conversation goes somewhat like this:

"I really liked that one we saw last weekend."
"Which one? The one the daughter was showing for her parents?"
"No, the one across from the yard with the big goats."
"Oh, you mean circle drive."
(It has a circular driveway, one of P's favorite features.)

OR as we look through listsings...

"Isn't this the one with the awful wallpaper?"
"Oh no, this is the smelly house."
"I thought cat-pee house was in a different neighborhood."
"It is. I mean the other smelly house."

At times, it's like we are speaking a language of our own. I often wish sellers could listen in on our conversations, so they could get a quick picture of the impression their house left.

Here is an annotated sampling of the houses we have seen, as identified by their most memorable characteristics:

• The manor house -- French provincial style, it had all the elegance of a little castle; it was love at first sight for us despite the very purple toilet...too bad the house needed so much work, including a new roof.


• Alarm house -- our realtor had the wrong code; the alarm went off the entire time we were there, bringing a cop to the front door. (At least we know the system works.)

• Tall house -- built at the bottom of a hill, it's three stories in the front and two in the back, which translated into two flights of steps up to the front door.

• Dripping drainpipes -- had at least three downspouts that didn't connect to the pipe leading it away from the house; we know because we could see the icicles hanging between sections.


• Sloping yard houses (there have been several) -- we've both had experience with this double whammy: water issues and hard-to-mow.


• Subdivided lot house (several of these too) -- one of our pet peeves; we prefer not to live in someone's backyard or have someone else living in ours.


• Bowling alley basement -- not literally, but the dimensions would have been perfect, and the other rooms in the house were built to a similar grand scale.


• Monster shower -- in the basement we found a full 90-degree shower with dual shower heads, 10 jets down the sides, and a computerized control panel that flashed "Welcome." Ironically the master bath had a plain old tub.

• Party in the master bathroom house -- seriously, enough room to move in a couple of overstuffed armchairs or to do a little ballroom dancing on the tile floor.

• And our personal favorite: Daughter-with-guest-not-expecting-us house -- Friday night, two cars in the driveway, a voice from upstairs saying "Um, it's not a good time."

With my own house on the market, it wasn't long before it dawned on me that prospective buyers might be walking away labelling it in a similar fashion. I particularly feared that they might dub it the red-wall house due to the rather brightly colored accent wall in the smallest bedroom. (In my own defense, it seemed like a good idea at the time, and I didn't think it would look quite as bright as it did.) I decided to paint it the neutral linen color of the other walls in the room, and while I was at it, bought enough paint to de-green the master bedroom as well.

Note to sellers: the house sold two weeks later. Some might say it was because we lowered the price and hit the magic "price point," but I still maintain the investment in a couple of gallons of paint was well worth it.